Relationships are hard. Humans are flawed and messy. (Especially me.) In honor of our anniversary, here are a few things that I have learned over the years.
In the last 23 years, we have had some great moments and hard ones. We have had seasons of closeness and times when we each did our own thing living side by side.
Some of these tips I have learned through reading the wisdom of others or having great conversations. Most I have gathered from my personal experiences and mistakes along the way.
#1 – acknowledge a bid
When one of us makes a bid for affection or attention we try to stop and acknowledge each other. This small change is our #1 way to nurture love and trust in our relationship.
“There is no such thing as an effortless relationship. But there are ways we can make it easier to keep a relationship strong.”
According to the Gottman Institute, “we all make small and large attempts to obtain affection, affirmation, and attention in our relationships. They call these bids for connection. There are three distinct ways that a partner can respond to a bit for attention.”
(Effortless by McKeown: p.84-85, and the Gottman Institute )
- Turning toward looks like a smile, a kind response, agreement, or physical movement toward the other person.
- Turning against is responding in an unfriendly way, being argumentative, disagreement, or harsh body language. The interaction might continue but it will take more effort.
- Turning away is also responding negatively but also comes across as hostile. Changing the subject completely, not truly listening to what the other person is saying, and not being present. This does the most damage.
We all have bad days and times when stress gets the best of us. We are not striving for perfection. However, acknowledging the other person with kindness and love regularly establishes trust and companionship.
#2 – communication & expectations
This is the most important aspect of our relationship. To communicate I have to first understand what it is that I want and need. If I do not express those needs out loud they will still be there. But, there will be no way for them to be met and we will both be disappointed. So communication is a process for the speaker as much as the listener.
During our first 5 years together I unintentionally had a very long list of what I expected. I did not know how to express what I wanted or needed. I was difficult and constantly disappointed over stupid stuff. Jim was kind and amazingly patient with me. We struggled with going in different directions. Nowadays, we just simply say our expectations aloud and adjust so we are on the same page. This was something that took us years to figure out.
#3 – time together in different forms
Jim and I make it a priority to spend time together in a variety of environments and ways.
- time talking without an agenda – like when we were teenagers
- relaxed connection – talking on a walk, random topics on a long drive
- sitting near each other while on our phones or reading books
- shared hobbies & learning together
- sharing ideas over dinner
- watching YouTube videos together
- attending conferences
- weekend RV trips with the kids
- dinners with extended family and fun conversation
- serving at church together
- farm chores and yard work – working side by side on different tasks but with the same end goal
- foot rubs and snuggles on the couch (with Netflix)
- going to yard sales or shopping
- off-roading adventures or long walks in the forest with our kids
#4 – divide and conquer task management
We are both typical firstborns: strong leaders, self-motivated, confident, and bold. This means that we both want to lead when there is something to be done. So we each pick a place to lead and then work side by side. Then we can move forward together.
At home, this looks like having our own areas that we are responsible for. Jim works on all of our cars and deals with all vehicle maintenance issues. I keep the mountains of laundry clean and hold the kids accountable for their household chores. Whoever is cooking that night the other person stays out of the way and simply enjoys the meal without complaint.
On an RV trip, this looks like Jim taking charge of the RV hookups and the sewer system while I take the kids on a walk. When he is done, he takes the kids to the playground and I set up the inside of the RV and begin meal prep.
#5 – assume the best
We begin any misunderstanding by looking at each other’s good intentions and then go from there. We do not start with where things went wrong. I often judge my behavior based on my intentions and not the results, but I do the opposite for others. I am working on seeing the good and assuming the best. We both battle the negative assumptions that are easy to make and do our best to communicate what happened.
This comes as a result of both of us doing some major inner work over the years. We have learned skills and ways to talk about what we are frustrated or angry about. We choose to be on the same team and turn toward each other.
- How do you develop who you are as a person but also choose to move toward your spouse?
- Which area that I mentioned is difficult right now?
I am thankful for this life that we have built and the last 23 years that we have spent together. We deliberately choose to turn toward each other and move forward as one. Most days that has become an easy pattern, other days it takes effort and grace. (For ourselves and each other.)
Relationships are hard.😉
I hope that something here helps you in your important relationships.
💙Wishing you the best! – April
**I don’t know what relationships you have or how you feel about marriage, but I hope that you find some encouragement here. I am not a therapist or an expert. This is all based on my personal experience only. We are all unique and deal with different challenges.
[see this article for more info on bids and relationships] 