This pivotal moment taught me that intrusive thoughts don’t have to win. I can choose subtle resistance by shaping my productivity on my own terms.
My Story –
I sat alone at a table by the window in a local taco restaurant. I had just dropped off my daughter at dance class and I had 2 hours to myself. (The other kids were at home with dad.) My plan was to have a date with myself and do some journaling. I had been looking forward to this all week.
I looked down at my tray with my wrapped burrito, guac, and chips and decided to eat first. It smelled so good. As I sat there enjoying my meal I observed the tables around me.
A family with a toddler flinging rice on the floor, a group of guys in work shirts talking about “the job”, a couple that looked like they were on an awkward date… it was crowded for a Thursday. Then I noticed all the people getting to-go orders at the register. What I thought was a quiet local spot was actually a very busy well run restaurant.
As I finished my burrito and switched from people watching to thinking about what I wanted to do with my time alone.
I thought about what I brought in my messenger bag. I had my journal, a non-fiction book, and the book The Artists Way by Julia Cameron. I needed to do some of the journaling homework for the class I was taking. While enjoying my chips and guac I made a decision to finish my journaling homework with the rest of my free time.
Now there is something you should know about me. I have always struggled to get things done surrounded by other people. The public school classroom, in High School study hall, in college group work settings, and even a quiet a library. If there were people around me, I was not efficient or productive. I was often distracted and frustrated with myself. Open office floor plans make me cringe. “How do they get anything done?!”
So I knew that it would be a struggle to sit in a restaurant with people around me journaling and working on my writing homework. But my teacher (Kristin Vanderlip) had challenged us to try something outside of our comfort zone this week to spark creativity.
I cleared the table, took a deep breath, rolled my shoulders back, and got out my journal and favorite pen. “I can do this,” I chanted silently to myself. I laid out The Artist’s Way to the journal prompts for this week.
“I can do this!”
I read the first question.
Instead of answers quietly seeping in my mind, I looked up and made eye contact with a lady across the room. She quickly looked away continuing her conversation at her table.
Doubt crashed in. “I look like a total weirdo. I bet they think I am a pretentious jerk… What am I doing?”
I took a shaky breath and I knew this was a defining moment.
“I can do this.” I repeated quietly.
And instead of packing up my stuff I decided to write every strange and random thought that came into my head.
I would use the skill of morning pages in this busy environment to clear the clutter in my mind.
So I set pen to paper and wrote aloud every intrusive, odd, ridiculous thought I had. It began with simple observations I felt were being made about me by strangers but then it rapidly got much deeper.
It quickly dove into my identity. Who I am, what I stand for, what I care about. Nothing was left untouched by my very vibrant and savage inner dialog.1
I scribbled over 2 pages worth of phrases and intrusive thoughts. Then I took a moment to take a drink from my soda and looked up.
Most of the tables had cleared out, the sun was setting over the parking lot, and no one was looking at me. No one cared what I was doing or what I was writing about. The family with the baby had cleaned up their table and left, the awkward date was still going but now they were sharing cinnamon twists and smiling. The to-go counter no longer had a line and the cashier was sweeping the floor.
The people around us are not actually thinking about us.
They are thinking about themselves.
When we let other people’s perceived opinions guide our actions, we miss out.
My Realization –
I re-read those pages and saw how ridiculous those thoughts were.
A wave of understanding hit me with surprise. For years I had missed out on coffee shop settings, working in the library, and being productive in public places because of all this nonsense rattling around in my brain. Every time I sat down to work on something I thought my lack of productivity was because I was just distracted. But it turns out I was battling an inner dialog about who I am.
I looked at that ugly, rather harsh list.
I am NONE of these things. Seriously…!
I made the decision right there. I do not have to accept any of this as truth. I can resist these lies and nonsense statements and redefine who I am.
Relief flooded in… I shook my head and closed my eyes.
This was the pivotal moment for me. I realized that I could decide to change something about my personality that I thought was fixed and permanent. Just because intrusive thoughts bother me does not mean they are true or I that have to listen to them.
The people around us are not actually thinking about us. They are thinking about themselves. When we let other people’s opinions guide our actions, we miss out.
I could choose subtle resistance and define my productivity on a public space on my own terms.
Reflection Questions:
How do you feel when reading or journaling in public places?
Do you have an inner dialog that needs to be looked at closer?
If this story feels familiar and you would like some next steps to start your own journaling practice check out: Podcast Ep. #005 – Journaling
In this podcast episode, I share how my journal, a constant in my morning routine and on difficult days, has become a space for memories and pieces of my life. I share what that routine looks like and simple ways to add journaling to your life.
Substack post: Podcast Ep. #005 – Journaling
Journaling has been a buoy for me throughout my life. It has helped me process difficult emotions, situations, and centered me in busy seasons. I was overjoyed to learn that I could do this much needed practice at a coffee shop, or in the midst of my busy day.
Immediately it radically changed my alone time in odd spaces in my schedule.
This pivotal moment taught me that intrusive thoughts don’t have to win. I can choose subtle resistance by shaping my productivity on my own terms.
I hope that by sharing my story you can find that freedom as well!
🌼Happy journaling! – April
P.S. – For more resources on healing and reflection check out the pen and mend class by Kristin Vanderlip and the journals she has created. [not sponsored – just and excellent resource!]
1 Sometimes being a creative person can backfire!