Practical Tips for a Hard Season

Life is hard. Sometimes it just sucks. I’m sorry to be blunt but it’s true. I have had some hard seasons lately that have rocked me and stopped me in my tracks. But, I have learned beautiful things in the midst of hard circumstances too. Today I want to be extra practical for those of you who are going through a hard season. Consider this a written letter addressed directly to you with a virtual hug. 💙

It doesn’t matter what your hard circumstance is. There is no judgment here. My hope is that you will feel validated and have some next steps that are right for you and your household.

Where to Start

When the news, the phone call, or the event happens the first bit is about assessing. What is going on? What is the current reality?

Being honest is the key to this time period. Things have changed. Unfortunately, some things will not ever be the same. What does reality look like right now?

Then we need to take the time to grieve what has been lost. Hopes, dreams, plans for the future, actual plans on the calendar that must be changed, and the people who must be notified. It is important to sit in that loss for a while. To assess the damage and mourn the change that you did not choose.

Then it is time to adjust. To take small steps. What will my days look like moving forward? What will this next month look like? Some commitments, activities, and routines will have to change. You will not be able to move forward at the same pace as before. You must give yourself (and those in your home) space to grieve, adjust, and heal.

Making Space

So what does this look like? What does it mean to have time to adjust to the current circumstances? I think it can be defined by setting aside some commitments, activities, and routines for this season.

There are things that you do regularly that you will not be able to do right now. And that is okay.

There will be events on the calendar that will need to be canceled. The obvious ones that make sense (like the hospital visit on the same Saturday as that friend’s birthday party). But there will be less obvious changes that you will need to make to avoid burnout and total exhaustion.

What are we making space for?

You do not want to push yourself to move forward at the same speed of life as before. You must give yourself (and those in your home) space to grieve, adjust, and heal. This is a hard season. That means that it will end and you will be able to do more later. But for right now, just let things slow down. Pushing against that will actually delay the grief, loss, and pain. It will still be there. Pushing it down does not make it go away. (Trust me on this one!)

We are making space for grief and processing our loss. For what has changed and what that means for us. For physical healing and emotional comfort. We also have to make space for all the new tasks that must be done. And then for recovery afterward.

Often with a new hard season, there is a learning curve that I have to tackle. I am looking up definitions of medical terms, filling out paperwork, dealing with insurance, finding lists to follow, asking people for help, and often dealing with the financial issues that come up.

There are changes I have to make in my home. Cleaning gets neglected, grocery shopping feels complicated, and stuff piles up around the house. Extra people might be in my home or maybe I’m stuck on the couch with crutches.

It is a slow and layered process that takes time.

This hard season can NOT be rushed through.

Aundi Kolber talks about “white knuckling” our way through trauma, pain and difficult circumstances. How we cause ourselves more pain and hurt by stuffing it down and pushing through. White knuckling (gripping on tight and pushing forward) can be helpful at times of stress and extreme circumstances. But allowing white knuckling to become our mode for the long-term can be detrimental to our health. Don’t base the rule on the exception. We must be aware of the cost of pushing through. We have to give ourselves space and time to recoup.

Aundi Kolber explains this concept in her compassionate and awesome book: Try Softer – Aundi Kolber. I also enjoyed this podcast discussion with Kendra Adachi: #230 HOW TO FEEL LIKE A PERSON WITH AUNDI KOLBER

There are things that you do regularly that you will not be able to do right now.
And that is okay.

So how do we adjust in a healthy way?

First, say “No” to everything that you can.

What can I stop doing just for a month?
What can I change in my routine just for this month?
How do I delegate and ask for help?
What decisions can I make ahead of time in a specific area?
- Meal planning
- types of activities
- saying no to extra scheduled events
What kinds of activities am I doing that are life-draining?
How can I have fewer of these in the next month?

Take care of yourself, your home, & your family. The daily basics.

What are the basic tasks that are not getting completed? Why?
Am I drinking water?
Am I eating food that is healthy for me?
Am I exercising regularly?
Am I listening to God? Am I taking time to be quiet?
Where do I need to go to have space to myself? What does that look like?

Letting go of responsibility & negative input

What kinds of input are helping me right now?
What is encouraging to me? Who gives me solid advice with love and grace?
What kinds of inputs are hurting me? (music, social media, types of movies)
What relationships do I need to take a break from this month?
Who is draining my energy and my time right now?
Take a break from planning the far out future. Just focus on this month.

Streamline communication

One of the difficult parts for me as an introvert is communicating with others in the midst of a hard season. Here are some ideas/questions that I have found helpful.

Choose one time of the day to communicate updates in group texts or messenger chats. (mute it the rest of the day)
Have just a few people that you update with all the details and frustrations. Then summarize for others outside of that circle.
Hold boundaries. Do what you can, say no when something is not helpful, and get space when you need it.
Be very clear about what kind of help you need. Do you need a meal or someone to sit with you? Ask.
Expect people to behave in a selfish way. They are distracted with their own lives and problems. The way they respond is not a reflection of how much they love you or care. It is just the busy nature of life.
Don’t communicate when you are totally drained or feeling resentful. You will say things that you regret or misread well-meaning texts from others.

The process of cancer treatment is such a strange thing. There are days when the patient feels decent and then others where they just have to make it through the day. The same is true of everyone in the household and those supporting that family member. It is so hard.

Last fall, my sister and her family of 5 (along with some other family members) moved in with us. My 8-year-old niece was fighting two forms of aggressive cancer. There were times when she would be able to forget all that was going on. She would play dolls with my kids and watch a movie with special snacks from Auntie Ape. Other days were full of pain, side effects of chemo, and “roid-rage” from all the steroids in her little system. It was rough. (Here is Lucy’s story – with a very happy ending. 💙💜)

Strange things happen during hard times. Relationships become closer or strained. The small little things get bigger. Appreciation for daily life changes.

“When we don’t feel well, we can see God showing up in amazing ways. We can watch for God in the days when we feel crummy. There is a surrender to Him. It brings us perspective on the mundane tasks of homemaking. When we keep pushing through we don’t see God showing up and or see the small kindnesses of others. “
–Jalynne Hall – Check out her site and amazing resources for grief here: https://www.jalynnewrites.com/

In whatever hard situation you are going through, I hope you have lots of “normal” moments. I hope that you can sit in the backyard and enjoy a sunset, or have a hot cup of tea in the morning and feel rested. That you can have a conversation with a loved one where his eyes light up about something he’s learning, or have some freshly baked goods that remind you of comfort and home…

It’s amazing how the small moments expand when everything else feels so incredibly difficult.

Whatever your day holds I know that you have the strength to press forward.

I’m praying for you.

Hugs! – April

P.S. – Here are some articles that will be helpful:

Photos from: allison christine, Sigmund, Danielle Dolson, and others on Unsplash