Okay, you did it. You got past the schedules, you found a place, and found some people. Awesome! You are headed toward a new goal of creating friendships.
You showed up and talked with people. You made some connections. You have a few class members and acquaintances that you want to get to know better. Now what?? This is so hard!
Now the real work begins. This is the gritty hard stuff that is not pretty and often uncomfortable.
This is where lots of people fall off the path and give up.
But you are different, right? You care about building friendships and actively fighting isolation.
So here we go…
“My happiest best moments, and also some of my lowest, have come in friendship. The things that are the hardest, saddest corners of my life come from loss of friendship… “
Girls Night podcast with Stephanie May Wilson
episode #150 – Steps you can Take (Today!!) to Have Deeper Friendships
If this article feels like we are starting in the middle of a conversation or you need some new ideas for starting.
> > > See part 1 – Navigating Friendship – 4 Ideas for Where to Start
A change in mindset.
The key to finding a connection in friendship is SERVICE.
I believe that at the heart of building a solid friendship is service. Showing up, being curious, helping others, and doing the tasks that need to be done. Service is being there for others when they are in need. This is what fosters deep relationships.
True friendships are built when we care for others in a selfless way.
We must be less focused on what we get or what we need.
So what does that look like? Here are some practical ideas to look at.
Let’s look in detail at these basics:
Showing up –
- Very few people choose to be consistent in the “extra things”. Sign up for a class and actually show up at the meeting time. Participate on Zoom or in the room. Take an online class for your profession or a skill for your hobbies, be purposeful about meeting and connecting with people there. After 3-4 classes most people drop out. The ones who are left are way more interesting to spend time with. Stick with it and get to know those who are still there on week 5.
- Actually show up and do the relational work in the beginning when it feels shallow. Yes, you will not know much about each other. You will find conversational landmines that hurt her. You will feel uncomfortable and the need to perform. Just keep showing up anyway. Send those mid-week texts that might get ghosted. Keep trying.
Be curious –
- This means you have to remember her birthday, ask great questions, and remember when something important is happening in her week. Take the time to be curious about her life and not just ready to share your own.
- Ask questions and get to know her (or him). Listen to the other person without an agenda.
- What kind of interests does she have that are different than your own?
- What activities is she involved in that are important to her?
- What is the relationship with her extended family like? And how can you help be supportive of that?
- Best friends grow over time. Share life with her and acknowledge what makes her unique.
Being there for others when they are in need –
- I used to view friendship as something that I wanted because I wanted to have someone to listen to me. Now I see friendship as ways to serve other people. To be a great friend requires giving up of yourself, showing up, and being kind.
- Then later in the friendship, when it gets messy and complicated, keep loving your friend for who she is. Be kind and real. Bring over chicken noodle soup when her kids get sick. Be there on the day of the big layoff at work. Knock on her door with chocolate after a long week of exams. Sit with the friend who just had a miscarriage. Mail her a card to acknowledge the day her Grandma passed last year.
Here is an easy tip to be more like Jesus. “Ask more questions… make a friend before you just be one. …Do unto others as you want others to do to you. Literally. What do you want someone to do for you today? Wouldn’t it be great if someone dropped off a coffee? Absolutely!… drop off a coffee to a friend…”
– from Megan Fate Marshman
SV podcast – Buying the Lie That We Should Be Selfish | Season 3 Episode 10
Be vulnerable –
- Share, be real, and put yourself out there. If the friendship is a safe place, keep going. Be authentic. Share who you are, what you struggle with, and what you care about. Let people love the real you. Be confident in who you are even if it hurts sometimes.
Vulnerability – the feeling we get during times of uncertainty, risk, or emotional exposure. This includes times when we’re showing our feelings and we’re not sure what people will think and times when we really care about something and people will know that we’re sad or disappointed when it doesn’t work out.
– Brené Brown– from this resource: Courage and Vulnerability Part I: Definitions and Myths
Keep it balanced –
There’s definitely a balanced back and forth that all healthy friendships must have. If a friendship is one-sided then it will not last very long. One person will get drained and then the other will move on to someone else. Don’t be the person who is drained and always giving. But also, don’t be the person who refuses help. We need to experience both for the friendship to have depth and survive.
- Check yourself.
- Which tendency do you have? What do you naturally do in past friendships?
- Balance out your actions by making intentional decisions to behave differently.
Let me share the short version of a friendship I lost:
The truth is that (14 years ago) I was a terrible friend. I was in a very lonely and difficult place as a young mom. I put my needs for support and community on just a few people. My dear friend Sarah was one of those. She had a very busy life of her own and I unfortunately did not support her well. She was such a kind companion to me and listened to all my frustrations. She was understanding, compassionate, and helpful. And I was self-centered and short-sighted. Eventually, she stopped responding to my texts and months would stretch by with no response. I did not handle this well. Then she made it clear she was not available anymore. I still have many regrets and things I have learned from that experience.
“In the end, all that really matters is God and people.” Pastor Chad says this often. It is a foundational message of our church. If that is true, then my friendships matter more than I realize. I need to put the same amount of effort into my relationships as I do in other areas of my life.
I can’t take my clean house with me to heaven. But people will keep living on without me and that matters. I want my resume to be full of names. Lives that I have impacted and communities I have been a part of. Any other accomplishments will fade quickly.
So, I will show up and do the hard work. I will continue being curious, helping others, and doing the tasks that need to be done. I will live a life of service and be there for others when they are in need. I will make space in my life for rest so that I can show up with energy and ideas to share.
[see here for ideas on that: 5 Ways to Find Rest (from an Overachiever)]
Friendship is a unique experience and can not be easily defined. But my hope for you is that you jump in and try. Make an effort (and probably some mistakes) and then keep moving forward. It is worth it!
Wishing you the best! – April
Where can you start? This article will help: Navigating Friendship – 4 Ideas for Where to Start
Photos by: Kate Kalvach, Ben Duchac , Toa Heftiba, Aleksandra Mazur,
and others on Unsplash