We all long to be deeply understood and known. That is truly the heart cry of humans. It’s why kids spill out long stories and complicated details when they feel comfortable. It is why movies with deep friendships move us and cause us to feel something.
Wouldn’t it be great to jump into a TV show with deep friendships and just join in? To instantly be part of the inside jokes, history, and trust that was built over years? If I am being totally honest that is something I love about podcasts. I can listen to a conversation between two people who often have a history and just enjoy the camaraderie.
We each want a friend who would just show up with dinner and sit with us when we are having a bad day. We hope for someone who will check in during the week to see how we are doing. We would like to be a priority in someone’s schedule on Saturday afternoons for a relaxed hangout. We all want the “sweatpants friendship” where we can just be who we are and feel accepted and appreciated.
So how do we get there?
What are some practical steps to take?
……I’m glad you asked, here are some ideas I have come up with in my (very flawed) search for friendship.🙂
Places to make friends & find community:
#1 – make space
Meeting others can be complicated depending on your lifestyle, where you live, and your age. Look at your schedule and decide how much time you actually have to give. You will have to make some space for friendships to develop. The time and energy do not automatically appear. If you don’t have space then that is where you need to start. Boundaries are essential, the margin is necessary, and Sabbath needs space too.
It is difficult to connect with someone who is too busy. Make room for friendships to grow.
- this will help: 10 Roadblocks That Stop my Productivity
- and also The Overachiever’s Practical Guide to Sabbath: Why, How, & When
- this is an article I wrote about boundaries: My Phone Has A Bedtime
#2 – be honest about your schedule
After you assess how much time you have in the week, you will know when you are available. A college student will have to navigate her schedule differently than a stay-at-home mom with small kids. Be honest about your work schedule, your commitments, and your current responsibilities.
- What is flexible? What can be moved?
- When do you have fixed spots where you are free to make social plans?
- Who will those social plans include? Do you need to bring along your kids or a spouse?
- What time of day works best for you to connect with others? Are you a morning person or a night owl?
- What do your weekly routines look like?
- Do you need some quiet at the end of a busy week or would you rather go out on a Friday night? (more about Rhythms & Routines here.)
For a long time, I struggled to connect with others socially. I really thought I was just bad at friendships and being comfortable with people. Now, looking back, I see that I was trying to attend social events when it did not work for my schedule, my kids, or my weekly rhythm. I was setting myself up for failure before I even parked in the parking lot. I was showing up exhausted and hoping that other people would fill me up. (Which does not work for an introvert!) Honesty changed all of that for me. Being honest with myself and with others made my social efforts more successful.
#3 – where & how to start
Now you are ready to go looking for social opportunities that sound interesting to you. Does that sound overwhelming? Start small. Pick one small thing that you can move towards.
- Consider the activities you are already involved in. Who do you see regularly?
- If you had a free Saturday, what kind of person would you want to spend time with?
- Think about your personality and the types of activities you enjoy.
- How did you make friends in your teen years? Where did you go? What did you do?
- What places do you visit regularly where you feel comfortable?
“[Friendship].. looks like taking the initiative when we’d rather wait to be invited. It looks like pursuing that person already in our life instead of waiting for someone who might not exist. It looks like looking out for who might need a friend more than me.”
– Tsh Oxenreider in this article: On Making Friends & Partial Solutions
#4 – practical ideas
I have made a lot of acquaintances and friendships over the years. I often get confused for an extrovert because I know so many people. I have my Dad’s ability to talk with anyone. The idea that “I have never met a stranger” is a fun way for me to approach social situations. I am very awkward and often misunderstood but I keep going. Some relationships stick, others don’t. And that is okay. I will keep meeting people until I am too old to leave the nursing home… and then they will come to me.🙂
Here are some actual places to find people:
- church, small groups, Bible studies, classes at church: This is an easy choice for me. I don’t always connect with people in those groups but I can usually find one person who I can chat with during the week or meet for coffee outside of class.
- parenting groups, mom groups, and kid-related activities: another easy one because we are often in the same life stage and have similar schedules.
- sports & outdoor activities: join a team, or local Saturday league, find pickup games, go watch sports with others, or join a hiking group
- What sports did you enjoy doing in college?
- What outdoor activities do you wish you had time for?
- hobby groups: gaming, crafting, knitting, role-playing games, card games,
- volunteering: What kinds of social justice do you care about? I am sure that you could find an organization to help out once a month that fits your passions and your personality.
- Ask to help out in a way that is life-giving to you.
- Work behind the scenes, shoulder to shoulder with others, or from home folding pamphlets.
- the gym: become a regular at the local rec center or gym. Go at the same time and talk with people you see often. You don’t have to bench press 200lbs. You can just enjoy the walking track or stationary bikes.
- book clubs: check the events calendar at your library, used bookstore, or community center
- online gatherings: check to see what communities your favorite online people have built
- your neighborhood: I have met dozens of people just by walking the neighborhood and being friendly
- classes: take an online class for your profession or a skill for your hobbies, be purposeful about meeting and connecting with people there. After 3-4 classes most people drop out and the ones left are way more interesting to spend time with. Stick with it and get to know the ones who are still there on week 5.
- extended family: There may be people who have known you for a very long time that you can develop a great friendship with. Invest in the older generation by mailing cards or asking a college-age cousin over for dinner. People behave differently one-on-one. Don’t let a crowded Thanksgiving meal determine what your relationship is like. Ask them questions about life and find out what makes them tick.
- treat your big city like a small town: shop in the same stores and talk with the staff. Get to know people you see on a regular basis. It takes just a few minutes to ask 2 small questions and acknowledge him/her as a person. Then follow up with them the next time you see them.
- examples: coffee shop baristas, servers at restaurants, pharmacists, front desk secretaries, UPS drivers, clerks, coaches for your kid’s team, volunteers at church, the guy that sells hot dogs at Home Depot…
Find groups already established and join them. Contribute to an online group with encouragement and ideas. Join a class and participate with a great attitude. You do not have to reinvent the wheel. If you start digging you will be surprised at what you can find out there.
Warning: It will not be perfect.
It will most definitely be flawed. Also, there will be people in the group that are annoying, needy, and awkward. You might even be that person… But, keep at it. Making friends and building community are worth it. We are not meant to live this life in isolation. (That is why it is such an extreme punishment in our court and prison system.) Do not build a lifestyle of loneliness.
If you need a strong pep talk to get back into the social game here is a 5 minute YouTube video. Mel Robbins is direct and amazing. (YouTube: The hard truth about making your dreams come true | Mel Robbins Live)
“You are never (ever) going to feel like doing the things you need to do to in order to have what you want. You are always going to need to push yourself.”
– Mel Robbins
Getting back into the social game and starting new relationships can be so overwhelming. The key is to pick something small and sustainable. Then simply move forward.
Think about where you are headed and where you want to be. If you keep taking the same path you will end up in the same place over and over again. We have to make hard changes to get somewhere new. Deep friendships and trust take time. Lean in, move forward, and you will get there!
You got this! – April
What are your next steps? This article will help: Navigating Friendship – the Key to Finding Connection
Photos by: Matthew Henry, Laura Thonne, Priscilla Du Preez, Helena Lopes, Gaelle Marcel,
and others on Unsplash
